2008 Woodie Awards
A Segway Saved My Life AND My Marraige
Rich Knight
Issue date: 11/14/05 Section: Life & Leisure
While some scientists may very well claim that I'm not old enough to have been born during the stone age to hear the famous first words uttered from the caveman's fur covered gullet, I'm undoubtedly sure that, "walking is for suckers," was exactly what they grunted verbatim while they dragged a dead Woolly Manmouth carcass back to their stalactite roofed dwelling. That is why they invented the wheel, because they were sick of not getting the saber tooth tiger clad cavewomen to go out with them because they didn't have any sick rides to transport them to (Watch out! Bad pun approaching!) the Rock and Roll concert. (Me so funny) And if my knowledge of the Flintstones is correct, which I'm most certain it is, before the wheel, Cavemen had big red automobiles where their feet stuck out the bottom that were prone to capsize if a large quantity of dinosaur meat was hefted on top. It's true, look it up on Google.
But we're not cavemen, or at least some of us aren't, and we not only have the wheel at our disposal, but we also now have a transporter that finally does that black round thingy that turns really fast beneath our cars and wheelbarrows justice.
I'm of course talking about the future of locomotion, the vehicle that never says the discouraging, heart rending words, "Tip! Over!"
I'm talking about the SEGWAY!
The wha wha wha what way?
The Segway! Only the most important invention since the tube sock or the taco shell (you just try living without a taco for 12 seconds and see if you don't suffocate in a lake of your own blood!)
Created with deft craftsmanship by the vicarious, no blood relation but united by brilliance grandson of Thomas Alva Edison, Dean Kamen, President of DEKA Research and Development Corp, has come up with something that future generations can stand back, drag their hand through their ratty red mullets, marvel, and exclaim "Dude, that's freakin' sweet!"
The Segway, if you can imagine, has no breaks whatsoever and travels however you decide to shake and shimmy on it, as the little gyro that could follows your every movement, making it the first vehicle that ever really listened to your hands and your heart (that's a good Segway.) It can ride, no scratch that, fly, at an astonishing 12 (!) miles an hour and won't tip over, even if your whole intention is tipping over! What a brave new world we're living in. A brave new world...
But we're not cavemen, or at least some of us aren't, and we not only have the wheel at our disposal, but we also now have a transporter that finally does that black round thingy that turns really fast beneath our cars and wheelbarrows justice.
I'm of course talking about the future of locomotion, the vehicle that never says the discouraging, heart rending words, "Tip! Over!"
I'm talking about the SEGWAY!
The wha wha wha what way?
The Segway! Only the most important invention since the tube sock or the taco shell (you just try living without a taco for 12 seconds and see if you don't suffocate in a lake of your own blood!)
Created with deft craftsmanship by the vicarious, no blood relation but united by brilliance grandson of Thomas Alva Edison, Dean Kamen, President of DEKA Research and Development Corp, has come up with something that future generations can stand back, drag their hand through their ratty red mullets, marvel, and exclaim "Dude, that's freakin' sweet!"
The Segway, if you can imagine, has no breaks whatsoever and travels however you decide to shake and shimmy on it, as the little gyro that could follows your every movement, making it the first vehicle that ever really listened to your hands and your heart (that's a good Segway.) It can ride, no scratch that, fly, at an astonishing 12 (!) miles an hour and won't tip over, even if your whole intention is tipping over! What a brave new world we're living in. A brave new world...