2008 Woodie Awards
Vote Absentee
Esmeralda's Weekly HorrorScopes
Esmeralda
Issue date: 1/30/06 Section: Life & Leisure
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AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Your sex life is on steroids. No pain, no gain.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Skip the crack on the corn flakes. Use hydrochloric acid instead.
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) You'll overdose on potato chips. Your tombstone will
read that you "couldn't have just one."
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You'll be swallowed by a black hole. Your collosal ego
almost escapes.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Quit living in the past. Merry Christmas.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Take your solo act on tour this week via the NJ Transit.
LEO (July 23 to August 22)
Your pajamas come to define you as one sexy mofo. Your mom/shuttle driver can't get enough.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Hold on this
week. Batman will have tea with Queen
Elizabeth and beat Boris Yeltzen's butt...in Connect Four.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Ass-kicking is overrated. Kick someone in the face this week.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Butter up a lonely soul at Robeson and bake at 350 degrees.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) This week, you'll contemplate showering. You'll go
against your gut feeling and clog the drain in the process.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) You take legal advice from William Shatner and win a boat, a Big Mac and $125.46 worth of Monopoly money along the way.
(c) 2006 Observer
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Skip the crack on the corn flakes. Use hydrochloric acid instead.
ARIES (March 21 to April 19) You'll overdose on potato chips. Your tombstone will
read that you "couldn't have just one."
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) You'll be swallowed by a black hole. Your collosal ego
almost escapes.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Quit living in the past. Merry Christmas.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Take your solo act on tour this week via the NJ Transit.
LEO (July 23 to August 22)
Your pajamas come to define you as one sexy mofo. Your mom/shuttle driver can't get enough.
VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Hold on this
week. Batman will have tea with Queen
Elizabeth and beat Boris Yeltzen's butt...in Connect Four.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Ass-kicking is overrated. Kick someone in the face this week.
SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Butter up a lonely soul at Robeson and bake at 350 degrees.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) This week, you'll contemplate showering. You'll go
against your gut feeling and clog the drain in the process.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) You take legal advice from William Shatner and win a boat, a Big Mac and $125.46 worth of Monopoly money along the way.
(c) 2006 Observer