Observer

Issue date: 10/10/06 Section: Sports

Halloween is right around the corner and I LOVE getting dressed up. I could not allow the date to pass us by without commenting on it. I figured I'd make a list of the people I would most like to be for Halloween this year. You know, like role play, but with clothes on. I had only a few rules for this list. First, each pick had to be different from the others. For instance, if I picked Michael Jordan (because he's the greatest living basketball player), I couldn't pick Tiger Woods (because he's the greatest living golfer). Each pick had to have its own reasoning and conclude with its own individual pick. Secondly, the picks would only be good for a twenty-four hour period. I could literally only be that person for Halloween. Come midnight, I'd return to myself with all the memories of my experience. You know, like Cinderella… but without the funny shoes. Finally, please keep in mind that in composing this list I thought only of sports-related figures, thus making it acceptable as a sports column, OK? 5. Ron Artest - Small Forward, Sacramento Kings. Artest makes this list because he's so insane I'd be afraid to not be him. Can you imagine what it is like to be this guy? Parties and alcohol and women and alcohol and drugs and parties and women and firearms; the fun never ends! And Artest is a rapper, too, with his own production company, so you know there are groupies. G's up, hoes down! High five! Plus, Artest will always handle the situation if someone gets out of line by marching into the stands and pummeling them in the mouth. Ha ha, good times, good times. It will be awesome, I repeat, awesome, to be the craziest human being on the planet for a day. I thought of picking Maurice Clarett for the above-referenced reasons, but he's currently locked up and I'm too pretty to go to jail. 4. Brian Urlacher - Middle Linebacker, Chicago Bears. Because when he hits someone, it hurts for weeks. Here's the tale of the tape on this guy: 6'4, 260 lbs. He runs like a defensive back, hits like a freight train, and understands the game like a coach. This is a guy who played Safety in college. Oh yeah, and he returned punts, too. Basically, he's Bobby Boucher without the wheezing and with a (much) higher I.Q. 3. Peter Gammons - God. Because it is divine to know about things that are yet to happen. We all know about Peter's medical condition earlier in the year and of how admirably he's fought back. Peter is part of the fabric of baseball and there is nothing like seeing him on TV or hearing him on the radio breaking a big story. If you hear it from Peter Gammons you know it's true, and you know that until you hear it from Peter Gammons it's not true. There is no greater respect you can pay someone. 2. Lebron James - Guard/Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers. Because I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to know you can dunk on any human being alive, or dead. I'm trying to wrap my mind around what it must feel like to be Lebron. To have so much, so soon. To have your high school games televised. To have the hopes and dreams of all Cav's fans rest squarely on your shoulders. AND TO HAVE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GAMES TELEVISED! A few years ago, after Jordan first retired following the 1993 season, a number of players were dubbed 'Next.' From Harold Miner, to Penny Hardaway, to Grant Hill; it seemed as if there was always someone ready to take the reigns from His Airness. Except no one ever did. And so we learned that there would never be another Michael Jordan and we came to deal with it. Years later Lebron came around and no sooner had we learned his name than he was drafted straight out of high school with the first overall pick of the 2003 NBA Draft. In the past few years he's shown flashes of brilliance, moments of greatness, and appears to be, in fact, 'Next.' Not only is Lebron the heir apparent to Jordan, he's also everything the other heir apparents came short on delivering. Without all of the letdowns we've witnessed over the years, we couldn't appreciate him like we do now. Because Penny and Grant Hill could never really become what we thought they would, we understand how difficult it is to be Jordan, and Lebron. And so we understand how truly special Lebron is, more so than we otherwise would have. Mind you, Lebron hasn't won anything yet… but we all know it's just a matter of time until he does. And finally, the person I most want to be for Halloween this year is John Madden - Football Analyst/Witch Doctor. Think about it, he has to power to curse any football player on the planet merely by putting that player on the cover of his famous game. Any player on the cover of Madden is destined to have a horrible year, either through injury or poor play. As John Madden for a day, I'd have a full agenda of people to curse. And it wouldn't just be the usual suspects, either. I'd have some surprises up my sleeve. And I'd rig the entire thing in such a way that I could never be cursed once I returned to my body. (Insert evil laugh here) Honorable mentions: David Beckham (so I could bend it for a day), Maria Sharapova (because shower time would be quite interesting), and Pete Rose (because I'd call an emergency press conference and finally admit to betting on baseball). Hugo dos Santos is an Observer Sports columnist.

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