2008 Woodie Awards
Vote Absentee
Bye-Bye, Bunny
Chuck Vuchpowski
Issue date: 2/13/07 Section: Life & Leisure
You all know what happened - Anna Nicole Smith died, and no, not because her boobs exploded.
What can you really say about it? She was the national punching bag for a few years what with her huge weight gain and pill popping habits being splattered all over tabloid headlines. She tried to wrench half a billion dollars from an 89-year-old oil tycoon she was married to for a year.
Her reality show was an inside look of her bizarre life and how apparently vapid she was (probably from the prescription drug abuse). She introduced Kanye West at the American Music Awards while completely ripped on god knows what. By the looks of it, she was just some gold diggin, blonde, Barbie doll, with a nasty pain killer habit. But for some reason I can't help but feel bad.
Why? Why the hell should I care? I never knew her, never talked to her, never even saw her in person, but when I received that fateful text message sent to me by my friend John (mis)informing me that it was probably an overdose of Trim Spa I genuinely started to miss her. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.
Then, like Ike Turner's iron fist to Tina's jaw, it hit me. It all goes back to the time of AOL 2.0, 28.8 kbps modems, and a rumor I heard on the playground that there were "naked ladies on the internet."
Being inexperienced with this new concept called "internet porn," I searched for the most familiar publication that came to mind that was associated with nude women; Playboy. Lo and behold the result was nude pictures of Anna Nicole Smith.
I spent a good part of my young adolescence (as did the majority of males of my generation) knockin em out to Anna Nicole.
I have such fond memories of being 12-years-old and logging onto my AOL screen name (Jonny5Alive, oh yea, I was the coolest) from my Compaq Presario with Windows 3.1 and searching for Anna Nicole Smith on the aol.com search engine and waiting two minutes (which was lightning fast in those days) for a picture of her to load on my screen. One hand would be making Mr. Happy…"happier" and the other would be on the power button in case I heard my mom coming.
So I guess I found some sort of comfort in giving myself "the low five" to Anna Nicole, those were awkward times for all of us. Some played football to get through it and some had huffing model airplane glue fumes. Well I had slow loading pictures of the recently departed. I guess it would sound creepy the female gender but I know the guys out there reading this can relate…right?
Anyway, Rest In Peace Anna, you didn't do much for yourself what with being in the tabloids all the time but you sure did provide a whole bunch of spanking material for a generation of confused boys with a new world literally at their fingertips.
Thanks for guiding us.
What can you really say about it? She was the national punching bag for a few years what with her huge weight gain and pill popping habits being splattered all over tabloid headlines. She tried to wrench half a billion dollars from an 89-year-old oil tycoon she was married to for a year.
Her reality show was an inside look of her bizarre life and how apparently vapid she was (probably from the prescription drug abuse). She introduced Kanye West at the American Music Awards while completely ripped on god knows what. By the looks of it, she was just some gold diggin, blonde, Barbie doll, with a nasty pain killer habit. But for some reason I can't help but feel bad.
Why? Why the hell should I care? I never knew her, never talked to her, never even saw her in person, but when I received that fateful text message sent to me by my friend John (mis)informing me that it was probably an overdose of Trim Spa I genuinely started to miss her. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.
Then, like Ike Turner's iron fist to Tina's jaw, it hit me. It all goes back to the time of AOL 2.0, 28.8 kbps modems, and a rumor I heard on the playground that there were "naked ladies on the internet."
Being inexperienced with this new concept called "internet porn," I searched for the most familiar publication that came to mind that was associated with nude women; Playboy. Lo and behold the result was nude pictures of Anna Nicole Smith.
I spent a good part of my young adolescence (as did the majority of males of my generation) knockin em out to Anna Nicole.
I have such fond memories of being 12-years-old and logging onto my AOL screen name (Jonny5Alive, oh yea, I was the coolest) from my Compaq Presario with Windows 3.1 and searching for Anna Nicole Smith on the aol.com search engine and waiting two minutes (which was lightning fast in those days) for a picture of her to load on my screen. One hand would be making Mr. Happy…"happier" and the other would be on the power button in case I heard my mom coming.
So I guess I found some sort of comfort in giving myself "the low five" to Anna Nicole, those were awkward times for all of us. Some played football to get through it and some had huffing model airplane glue fumes. Well I had slow loading pictures of the recently departed. I guess it would sound creepy the female gender but I know the guys out there reading this can relate…right?
Anyway, Rest In Peace Anna, you didn't do much for yourself what with being in the tabloids all the time but you sure did provide a whole bunch of spanking material for a generation of confused boys with a new world literally at their fingertips.
Thanks for guiding us.
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