Observer

Issue date: 11/18/08 Section: Life & Leisure

Actual photo.

There are new reasons for Rutgers-Newark students to walk in fear at night and, surprisingly, it is not in the shape of a molester. Light rail riders on Saturday night were horrified by an incident they all claim to be "supernatural." The story almost seems to be taken straight out of a horror movie.

Tobias Culkin, Rutgers student, commented after the scene: "It was huge! It flew down from the stairs and just BAM! Tore the fucking guys head off."

The victim who Tobias spoke of was later identified as Rueben Cogswell, a local vagrant who at the time was trying to sell bootleg DVDs of "Madagascar 2: Escape From Africa" (now playing in local theatres) to the waiting commuters.

When I questioned eyewitnesses about the appearance of the attacker, I received descriptions that bordered on the line of fantasy. The head was described to be that of a large street pigeon, containing human lips below a common beak. The head was connected by a human neck to a body resembling that of a middle aged alcoholic.

The witnesses disagreed on the descriptions of the appendages. Some, like Tobias, claimed the creature to have two human arms with one human leg and one bird leg. Some claimed the creature to have no legs at all and just hovered in the air with its angelic wings while it mangled the body of Cogswell, pecking off flesh with its pointed bird beak.

Newark police officer David Farley provided a rational explanation on the matter: "Bird? Shit no. That's just ridiculous. I'm not going to believe for a minute that some 'man pigeon' flew in from the sky and bit this poor schmucks head off. What I have to do now is figure out which one of these folks down here felt it necessary to decapitate a dirty helpless bum. I'm even led to believe that maybe he didn't have a head when he came down here to begin with. Probably trying to scare these people into buying DVDs. These bums use any gimmick they can. Last week, I had a guy light himself on fire for a sandwich. It's just sad."

The gender of the creature is also a mystery at this time. Gregory Hines, one of the fellow onlookers, claimed to have gotten a good look at the creature as it flew away with Cogswell's head.

"I saw this stuff like hanging down, right, but I couldn't really tell what it was. At first I was like thinking it was his junk. Then as it got closer it almost kinda looked like large labias, except birdlike. But then when I looked even closer I realized it could have just been foreskin. But I could be wrong, I am high on crack."

The possibility at hand is that we may be facing a bi-gendered bird, which is not entirely unheard of. Headlines last week focused on the Bronx Zoo, which contains the first panda to have a legitimate sex change operation. Are we perhaps seeing a rise in multi-gendered animals? Should we be worried, and should they be granted the right of marriage? One thing is for sure, regardless of what genitals they may be endorsing: biting the heads off of common street bums is not yet a legal act.

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